I woke up to this and people asking me if I was okay. Kinda wanna throw up, kinda want to go away forever.
My friend held back for months because I asked her to, and I would have never said anything. I still really don’t want to. I didn’t want to lash out in anger, because I was angry, suicidal, and depressive since the end of January. I’m not alive though if she didn’t take my calls everyday while caring for her sick grandfather, I’m not alive if my roommate Wraith didn’t laugh with me at stupid videos daily. I’m not alive if Dale Patrick’s and Simon Gotch weren’t there for me.
I gave a lot with little in return. I had a lot of growing up to do and despite my progression I was always told I was never doing enough, the things I liked and did were stupid and wastes of time. Things I told about my thoughts on my gender and the confusion I was feeling was turned on me. I was lied to about finances and spent more than I should have because I thought we were struggling together.
I almost killed myself three times as the life I tried to build with someone was torn apart and I became nothing to that person. It was like a withdrawal, every time I went to the hospital that person I put on a pedestal was gone. I didn’t matter.
I would have never said anything. I only came out with my prior experiences of sexual abuse because I was spiraling alone in Japan.
I tried my best but my best was never good enough and all my accomplishments and money were nothing but tools for someone else.
Many things said in confidence turned and used against me.
I can’t get that time back. I can’t get the money back. I can’t get the last four years of my life back. I was just trying my best to come back and be with my family and friends and dog, and try to get signed. I dreamed of doing things.
Maybe it won’t happen now.
I’m not angry. I’m not sad. Not anymore. I’m apathetic. I’ve moved on and there’s still bitterness in my stomach I don’t let it guide me.
I’ve grown up as a person and a wrestler. I’ve grown up mentally, physically, and spiritually. I’m still figuring things out and have nothing to say to that person. I adored them. I still feel phantom pains in my heart every time I see a photo.
They’re a part of my life and history. I don’t get to where I am now ; a mature and thoughtful person with a healthy dose of CTE without the experiences I went through and the isolation I experienced in a foreign country.
But
It is what it is. Whatever happens, happens.
xcancel.com
